Change is the only thing that’s constant. Really? Ouch.

I have this problem. I couldn’t figure out what it was. Till recently.

A few months back, a friend after listening to me vent unwittingly told me: “Rosh, you have adjustment issues, don’t you?”
For days I thought about it. She was right. Damn. I do have this cocoon around me. When I’m in a new place, it takes me ages to get into a comfort zone. And when I do, its time to move on. I’m afraid. Really really afraid. Of change. Of getting up one day and seeing nothing familiar.
My childhood fears of acceptance and rejection had actually taken over my life. I think a hundred times before I say anything in class, change my opinion constantly. I almost always suck at spontaneity. I visualize a whole conversation in my head (peppered of course with a lot negative reactions and drama), I even practice saying Hi!
I desperately want to fit in. For long I’ve had this really bad self image, about how the other person is almost always going to think: “Oh, what a Freak/Nerd/Weirdo”. It’s funny ‘cause when you think about it, it’s a reflection of what I think of myself. I hardly ever give you the chance to tell me what you really think. I assume, presume and act according to that.

Not everyone is going to go out of the way and make me feel nice or comfortable. When around a group of new people, I prefer to shut up. Already I’m thinking: I shouldn’t have worn this dress, that shoe or so much kajal. And, hey, what band is she talking about? Oh my god, I don’t know shit!

I’ve always wanted to be you. And in the process, I’ve forgotten how to be ME. I can’t remember what I like to wear, what I want to eat, or the name of my favourite book.

The last time I bid goodbye to a set of amazing friends, they told me: We love you. Don’t change, ever. And I was thinking, wha-at? That’s not possible. Now, I know what they were talking about…ten years hence, I’ll most probably have a different hairstyle, different clothes but at the core, I want to be myself, not some shape shifter.